Healing Balm of Gilead

[This is not what I intended to write today. It is, however, what God intended. I don’t know exactly where this is going but I must start from where it began.]

“Because my people are crushed,

I am crushed.
    I cry loudly and am afraid for them. 
Isn’t there balm in the land of Gilead?
    Isn’t there a doctor there? 
So why aren’t the hurts 

of my people healed?”

Jeremiah 8:21-22 nasb

Thursday, I began writing a follow up piece for last week’s “Crushed and Perplexed …” piece. As I wrote I wasn’t sure it was for sharing with my readers or only for my own therapy. My intentions for this website and my ministry are to inspire, encourage, and challenge Christians to live a life out loud for Jesus…free of fear and worldly intimidation. Yet, the words flowing from my fingers onto the page certainly didn’t seem to meet those criteria.

In fact, they made me spiritually sick.

Anxiety and depression flooded my thoughts. Tears filled my eyes and my heart beat faster than normal. I set the writing aside and tried to change my focus. I took deep breaths to slow my heart rate. I prayed short arrow prayers to God, but at times like these I don’t hear His voice so well. So, I turned to TV (as if that ever helps).

The next morning still stressed from the anxiety attack, I went to the Lord for my usual prayer and devotion time. I asked why the depression and anxious thoughts overtook me as I wrote what I wrote. I asked God if the piece was more for my therapy rather than for public sharing. Then, I asked Him if I had not fully forgiven the person & incident which produced the “Crushed and Perplexed …” blog.

Despite my belief the incident had been God’s will and His doing, rejection hurts. And I felt rejected by this person and event.

As I prayed, Psalm 139:23-24 flowed from my heart and into my prayer journal. “Search me and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts…” My heart was startled by the last phrase: “try me and know my anxious thoughts.”

I paused. I pondered. What do those words mean? Of course, God knows my anxious thoughts, but what does “try me” mean in relationship to them?

God heard my scripture prayer request and took it literally.

He opened my eyes, my heart, and my thoughts to see how I had not fully forgiven this person or the event. He showed me where I held a grudge and allowed a root of bitterness to grow. He revealed my retaliation plan tucked away in the dark crevices of my soul. How I intended to withhold something even though the person would never know it or hurt them one bit. How I was slamming the door and running away from them because they hurt my feelings…even though I believed in my heart it was God’s plan.

Remorse. Regret. Repentance.

Tears filled my eyes again as I asked God to forgive my retaliation plan. I thanked Him for His quick examination and speedy trial of my heart and anxious thoughts. And then, I asked for His help in removing any remaining debris, as well as an application of the healing Balm of Gilead upon my rejection wound.

At the bottom of each page in my prayer journal are scriptures. On one page where I wrote the prayer above, was Jeremiah 29:12-13, “call upon Him and He will listen.” On the last page where I wrote, was Psalm 62:1, “My soul finds rest in God above…”

We serve an awesome, incredible, amazing God. He is Faithful and True.

                            I called

                                         He listened

                                                            He answered

                                                                                I confessed

                                                                                                    He forgave

                                                                                                                     I rejoiced

He filled my soul with rest and peace, forgiveness and healing.

Father in Heaven, please use this writing to inspire, encourage, and challenge the reader to pray Psalm 139:23-24 back to you. Please give them courage to open their heart for you to exam and try. Let them experience your healing balm of Gilead upon the wounds of their heart and give their soul rest. In Jesus’ name I pray.

[I do believe God wants you to read the words which triggered my anxiety attack; and so I will continue working on it for next week or the week after.]